ONE DAY ME DAUGHTERS GONNA ASK ME WHAT LOVE IS AND THIS IS WHAT I'LL TELL HER

 

Love Is like me and  your mother, its making the effort when you don't need to bother

Love is like a pair of lobster, once you find each other that's it forever

Love is a piggy back when your too drunk to walk

Love is listening when you're too tired to talk

Love is a funny feeling in your heart that rennee cant shift

And sometimes loves hard

Love is gentle, kind and good, love is often misunderstood

Love is not going for it behind the station with your boyfriend Dave

No matter what your slut friend Tracy says

Love is not a quick fumble or losing your virginity

That's just part of growing up regrettably

Love is a partnership that's more than just mates

Like weightlifting and Geoff Capes

Like Torvill and Dean and they're skates

Like fat kids love cake

Like Marge loves Homer Simpson

Like plastic surgeons love Michael Jackson

Love my princess his hard to explain

You spend half your life looking for it and half nursing the pain.

 

  WITH ONE EYE OPEN

 

Sometimes when you're asleep

i creep out into the night

wear your clothes

put on your shoes

so i can feel close to you

it's nothing kinky

i just cant help thinking

of you.

 

DON'T FOLLOW ME FOLLOW JESUS

 

there were a knock on the door

it were two fellas I've not seen before

perhaps me meter wants seeing

turns out they're giddin bible readings

'have you found jesus" they ask

"I've not sin him" I say and lookin round heres a fruitless task

have you tried next door give em a knock

perhaps he popped in for a brew after work

'aye we will' they say 'can we leave our magazine for you'

"you can if its got a sudoku"

'no sudoku' they offer 'just this free car sticker, don't follow me follow jesus'

 

SHED HEAVEN

 It's a haven, a safe-house, a hiding place for things

My life upon shelves, on hooks and in tins

A studio, a workshop, my porn palace and bar

A trouble free hotel room to tend to life's scars

 

I'm a closet shed lover who hides from the mother

Of my children and others who bay for my blood

A secret liaison whatever the season

I need no reason to visit my shed.

CHARLIE

I used to have pretend friends

Now I've got  a dead one

He's funnier than he used to be

Better looking

Charismatic

and more generous

especially with his time

YUR DED

 

Another soldier dies

Another mother cries

Another girlfriend lies and sobbs: we were supposed to last forever

 

Another war is not lost or won

Another father loses a son

He cant bring himself to tell anyone

how he really feels

 

he's not proud his son died for queen and country

he couldn't give a fucking monkeys

about the war in Afghanistan

he'd rather be dead himself

 

Another team loses a player

Another blood loses a brother

Another car sits still without a driver

Another pub this lunchtime is down a fiver

 

Another set of keys wont turn the locks

Another pupil is dismissed from the school of hard knocks

Not so tough now are you

You're dead

 

WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG

 

I smoked throughout me teens

And drank away me twenties

M'thirties are much the same and consequently expensive.

I've reached the point in life where I should be married with a full time job

Instead I'm in part time therapy, having recently lost the plot

 

But it helps to be a little bit mad in a world that's just insane

When normal's considered crazy and nothing stays the same

There are pressures on a modern man to be caring with a sensitive touch

When all we wants is sex drugs and booze

Is that really asking too much

 

LOVING IT

 

I remember the day the circus come to town

Managing director dressed up as a clown

Shiny red nose and big flat feet

He didn't run a big top

He owned a restaurant on the high street

An American concept of serving fast food to overweight people with nowt better to do

Luring in kiddies with parties and treats

Serving them burgers that contained no meat

 

 

Do do do do do I'm lovin it

 

It seems to me happy meals look so sad when they're limp and discarded in a brown paper bag

And Ronald Mcdonald appears to be sinister, has he been police checked, is he signing the register,

As a kid I'd go in just to knick straws to use in the playground to fire paper balls

I were mesmerised by the furniture it looked fantastic

Mushrooms and toadstools made of plastic

I couldn't eat nowt though mum wouldn't allow it

Cheap and nasty was how she put it

She questioned the health of fillet o fish and fries

So instead made us eat pasties sausage rolls and pork pies

 

Do do do do do I'm lovin it

 

As regards a vocation a Mcjob offered prospects

Your name in stars if you passed the hygiene spot checks

So as soon as I could I got me name badge and cap

And started asking everyone "d'you want fries with that"

It come with its perks at one time it were best place in hull

To go to the toilet when you'd had a skin full

But we soon got wise to it and put on a sentry

You know the rules no burger no entry

 

Do do do do do I'm loving it

 

20 years have passed the golden arches look tired

they've lost there shine and I've long since been fired

and nowadays I wouldn't recognise the place

serving salads and smoothies

it's a Mcdisgrace

 

 

I WISH BANKSY WOULD SPRAY PAINT ME HOUSE

 

Dear Mr Banksy can I speak quite frankly

My current estate agency is having trouble selling my house

It's a south facing semi in Grimsby pebble dashed and clad in PVC

In need of modernisation but keenly priced to sell

I read about your graffiti and if you promise to do it neatly

You can spray something political on my side wall

Then perhaps Mr Sattchi will be interested in my property

He's already bought Tracy Emins tent and shed

Now all he needs is my three bed

 

ONE NIGHT ONLY

 

Don't try to hide it

I know when you're lying

Your voice speaks and your lips move

It happens everyday

I don't know why I fell for it

I knew what you were like before all this

We were friends until we kissed

Now its ruined everything

 

I thought you were a princess

You only thought I was alright

I hoped we'd last forever

You knew it was for the night

You used and abused me for your sexual gratification

With no thought of the consequences of my emotional degradation

Don't get me wrong I appreciate the quality of the love we made

But now all I've got is the memories and those are sure to fade.

Its hard to remember your heaving breasts, luscious curves and sweet alcohol breath

But remember I do and I've you to thank for that one night of glory stored in me memory banks

 

 

I'M SORRY FOR STARING OUT TO SEA

 

I'm sorry for staring out to sea

I stopped listening

I'm  sorry for falling down

And dragging you with me

I'm sorry for smiling through my teeth

I'm sorry for being another child to breast feed

I'm sorry for the frantic highs wearing you out

I'm a front man

Hiding

 

 

LITTLE YELLOW

 

It'd be easier if you didn't love me

I wouldn't find it so hard

When I know you remembered my birthday

But couldn't be bothered to send a card

I tried my best

I really did

Worked more than all the other kids

Whose folks were ready to line the streets

Dangling carrots: work for treats

When I looked round to see you proud

I saw spaces in the faces in the crowd

Mothers staring at their feet

Other mothers embarrassed for me

 

 

IT'S OBSCENE

 

Its obscene the premier league

Its obscene the language they scream

Its obscene the wages they earn

Its obscene the tyres they burn on their Bentlys

Vrrrrrrmmmmm vrrrrmmmmm

Its obscene the champagne they drink

Its obscene they don't even think

That its obscene

Its normal

 

 

THE SCHOOL RUN

 

These 4x4 tins with their contents of mothers

Shrouded in the furs of others

Waiting for their little cherubs

On yellow lines outside the school gates

Oh here they come

Waddling up

Hello darling how was your day

What did Mrs Johnstone say

When you told her you'd be away

For an extra week over Christmas

Oh she said she didn't mind

Just so long as this time

We didn't try to buy her off

With another fake rolex